Living Beyond the Shoulds

Originally posted on

I kicked off my day with the typical facebook browsing and article reading. During my perusal, I came upon "Five Reasons You Should Have Sex With Your Husband Every Night." Immediately, my heart skipped a beat and tears began to well in my eyes. I was triggered. I don’t have sex with my man every night. We don’t even have sex every week!

This realization fell upon me like impending doom. I instantly felt separation and judgment. According to this article, I wasn’t in alignment in my relationship. Two million people on Facebook agreed. Two million! A dark shadow was cast. Despite what I thought I was experiencing, my relationship must be lacking. Immediate reflection began: How loving is my relationship with this man who I don’t have nightly sex with? The tears trickled as my reflection presented truths about this man.

This man who has seen me grow from girl to woman. This man who has picked me up every time I fall. This man who I created life with; our own little miracle, birthed into the world, made of hope, yearning and gentle cries of love. This man who has taught me I may choose happiness over despair. This man who allows my authentic self to run rampant and naked through the halls, exposed, vulnerable and raw. This man who holds my hand as I walk through fear and learn to let love in again. This man who stands as my rock, strong and supportive, so that I may find my flow, my purpose and my passion. This man who kisses me good morning and holds me at night. This man who mirrors my every experience and through this mirror has been my greatest teacher. This man who taught me that nothing has the power to break me, except me.

Oh yes, my relationship with this man is loving. There are far more than five reasons why I want to fall asleep in his arms, his breath on my neck. More than five reasons I will forever call this man mine. This man and I live far beyond the shoulds of nightly sex, we make love in the nuances of everyday living.

We understand that beyond expectations of sex, beyond lists of how calculate happiness, and beyond the shoulds, resides choice. Within this choice, we have ownership. Ownership of our experience and ownership of creating our reality. Even amidst the dark shadows cast by others, we take ownership of our relationship and choose the reality of love. We choose to see love, we choose to accept love and we choose to express love.

The judgment and separation of shoulds do not reside in love.

For a moment, I moved out of this love and into the shoulds. In the next moment, I came back to reality. Know that everyday, each and every one of us will be faced with these shoulds. Everyday we will move into separation. Everyday we will experience judgment. And everyday, we have the opportunity to come back. We may come back to choice, back to ownership, back to reality and back to love.

To all the women who believe we "should" anything, I ask of you: allow the possibility to live beyond the shoulds. Allow the possibility to live in the space of choice, ownership and your very own reality of love.